Thirsty Horses

“You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.” ~Proverb

I’ve heard this phrase my entire life and I’m certain that, at times, I’ve even been that horse.  But what I’m discovering nearly four decades into this crazy rodeo is that there are A LOT of thirsty horses.

What I’m working on is not giving a damn.

I don’t mean that harshly.  In fact, it truly comes from a place of well-being.  I’ve discovered that I simply must learn how to care less about others and worry more about me.  It sounds selfish… even to me as I type.  But it isn’t.  It’s healthy.  The day we learn that we are only responsible for our own actions and emotions, the better off we are.

I’ve spent most of my life trying to please other people.  In psychology terms, I could be the poster-child for codependency.  I have changed my behavior to manage the emotions of others for a very long time.  Eighteen months into almost weekly therapy and I am finally making some progress (I think?).  It’s remarkable in some ways.  And also a constant struggle.

I could probably identify a thousand reasons that I am the way I am… or was… or work hard not to be.  Likewise, I’m sure there are plenty of others who would be happy to chime in and contribute their own thinking as to why I’m the way I am.  Seems folks love to assess other people’s problems while conveniently ignoring their own.

And, though I think understanding the past and reconciling it as best you can is an important piece of overall mental health… I think an awareness of one’s OWN behavior and adjusting it accordingly is much more important.

So while I want to circle up the wagons and lasso a herd of folks who could stand a long look in the mirror… and, believe me buddy, I’m so willing to guide them to the trough… I have to reconcile the fact that they may choose (and it is a choice) to just be thirsty.  I simply cannot force them to drink.

An analogy I might make correlates to an experience I often have as a parent. Perhaps fellow parents or those who interact frequently with toddlers, especially, might understand.  It’s like that time your child wanted the red lollipop.  You oblige, take the plastic wrapper off the red lollipop, and hand it to them… only to have them burst into tears and scream as if their favorite lovey was just obliterated into a thousand pieces… all because you gave them the red lollipop.

What the hell?  The red lollipop is RIGHT THERE!

But they didn’t want you to unwrap it, or hand it to them, or get it out of the pantry from the beginning.  There’s no real logic to their thinking, but they are hell-bent on not wanting the red lollipop now.

Isn’t that what you SAID you wanted?

But what we say we want and what we actually want are often very, very different.

Seems this pattern repeats throughout our lives, we just find more socially acceptable ways to throw our temper tantrums as adults.  We project our “stuff” (let’s call it horseshit) on others.  We bring others down to build ourselves up.  We utilize only convenient pieces of the whole truth to sell some story we want others to believe.  Or we ignore our own problems by creating problems for others.

It is a phenomenon I don’t understand… and also one that I’ve been both perpetrator of and victim to.  So, I started focusing on me.  Maybe this is a “me” thing, or a gender dynamic of being female, or some “stuff” from my past that I haven’t quite worked through… but focusing on me makes me feel guilty.  I’ll work through that next maybe, but for now I’m channeling the airplane oxygen mask theory.  I have to take care of me if I ever really (and in a healthy way) want to take care of others.

You know, help lead them to the water–through MY OWN honesty, truth, vulnerability, kindness, and authenticity–and then hope they are thirsty.

The way I see it… there’s no need to be thirsty.  Everything you need is right there in front of you… you just have to drink!

(And because normally I would make some cute quip about “you just have to drink!” from the context of a wine glass or a tequila shot, I’m not– I’m being serious.  So don’t you deflect either.  It’s kind of the whole point of this blog.)