My Light and Love

I don’t know if I’d say today is fascinating, but I do find it very interesting. As I sit here at my kitchen table, the house is peacefully quiet.  Outside my window there are blue skies, sunshine, gorgeously-blooming red bud trees, and birds chirping like in a Disney animated classic. I see blue jays and cardinals, robins, and what I think is a yellow finch.  My ice water is cold and refreshing opposite my coffee that is hot and strong.

For me and those of the Christian faith, today is Easter Sunday—the resurrection of Jesus Christ after his crucifixion by the Romans.

For my Jewish friends, they are in the midst of Passover—a multi-day commemoration of their liberation by God from slavery in Egypt.

Commercially, and for chocolate and jelly bean lovers of the world, today is secular Easter. Where baskets overflow with goodies, plastic and hard-boiled eggs are hidden and found, and where your Sunday attire might include pretty dresses and bonnets or seersucker suits and bowties.

And for the Hokie Nation, today is the 10th anniversary of what is known as the Virginia Tech tragedy… or Virginia Tech shooting… or Virginia Tech massacre. It was unquestionably a tragedy.  It was a mass shooting. And it was, by definition, a massacre… though we shy away from that word.  While etymologically accurate, most who are close to it cannot ascribe such a harsh and painful word for what happened to such a wonderful community. We find it hard to believe that “one of our own” could cause such harm, pain, aguish, sorrow, and grief.

One of our own.  It’s a controversial thought, I know. And, I absolutely own that I might sit alone in my thinking.

I’ve always found it… interesting… how humanity copes with the unexplainable. But no matter how you wish to accept and remember reality, how you wish to rationalize and justify the unthinkable… we lost 33 Hokies that day ten years ago. Originally, 33 stones were placed at the memorial.  But as anger and politics play out, we have managed to erase him from the equation.

I won’t say his name. I can’t.  As I am still haunted by the images in my brain that I simply cannot erase.  I do not accept, condone, or rationalize what he did.  But I do think about his family… his parents, his sister.  I wonder what these past ten years have been like for them. And I think about him… and the days, weeks, and years of his life before April 16, 2007. I wonder what stone thrown in the pond of his life may have caused a ripple changing the course of all OUR futures.

I participated, for the first time ever, in the 3.2 for 32 yesterday. My walking partner for that event (because I couldn’t imagine participating solo) is, without question, one of the truest, most dedicated, and loyal Hokies I’ve ever known.  As we walked and reminisced on that day ten years ago, and the years in between, she shared a quote that I can’t remember enough to accurately attribute, though the essence of it has lingered. It was the idea that the worst thing wasn’t having your child shot, but to have your child be the shooter.  As a mother, both are truly unfathomable to me.

What I can fathom and do understand is that mental illness is an epidemic in the United States. We are woefully ignorant, severely under-resourced, and largely judgmental of those who are courageous enough to share their challenge.  The stigma is too great for many to acknowledge, much less seek help.

So, in this instance, like so many others, we “forget” the individual and the circumstances that perhaps influenced their actions.  Instead, we argue for safer campuses and tougher gun laws.  Please don’t misunderstand, I desire those things as well. But I wonder what the world would look like if, instead, we eradicated bullying… if we fought for kindness, inclusion, and belonging… if we stopped stigmatizing therapy and counseling and had ample resources to make those outlets accessible to all.

Virginia Tech is an incredible community and, despite it not being my alma mater, I am undeniably a Hokie.  This community- the Hokie Nation- showed our compassion and strength in those raw and overwhelming moments ten years ago. And, we continue to show our resilience and solidarity today.

So, yes, I find today… interesting. I’m not overtly religious. I’d say I’m more spiritual. And part of my spirituality is a belief in the connectedness of all things. It is not lost on me that the Hokie nation shares this poignant anniversary with differing religious holidays that celebrate revival and freedom, respectively. I wonder if there is divine intervention in that? A message we might receive if we can be open enough?

Today is drastically different than ten years ago.  There are blue skies and sunshine. There is hope. And the 32… no… the 33 Hokies we lost that day represent all that Virginia Tech is.  We are diverse and dedicated, beautiful and broken. We are conflicted and committed. We are enigmatic, complicated, and infinitely connected. We are imperfect and inspiring.

We are the Hokie Nation.

If I have a wish for the future, it would be that our light shine even brighter and farther. That we continue to show grace and gratitude. That we accept each other without omission or disclaimer.  That we love each other infinitely and intentionally. And that we are an example to the world of complicated and conflicted compassion.

At tonight’s vigil, as I light my own candle and spread the light to others, I’ll be singing a tune in my head.  A prayer for all of us.

This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.  This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.  Let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine to show my love.

Shine on, Hokies!  Shine on!