Slow Your Roll, Cosmos

Oh, life… you are fitting in so many tough lessons this month. And Mercury Retrograde— Goodbye! I’ve already had enough without you rolling in. I’m wondering if there a cosmic quota that somehow overlooked me for the first 10 months of 2018 that is being made up now? Did I unknowingly score a fast pass through a year’s worth of stuff that has an impending expiration date? You know the phrase, “If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger”—I’m starting to wonder if I’m on the journey to a slow and painful death. (Okay, maybe that was a little dramatic.)

I’ve spent more time alone in quiet reflection over the first sixteen days of this month than I have in the last decade. As I’ve tried to figure out what lesson it is that I’m supposed to be learning, I’ve discovered a few things. Not that I have all the answers. I don’t. That would be far too easy and perfectly packaged. And, let’s be clear, I’m clearly working on more than one lesson (classic overachiever). Nevertheless, if I put words to life’s not-so-little takeaways of late, this is what I’d say…

• Life Can Change in a Moment
• Everything Happens for a Reason
• Your Mistakes Don’t Define You

I won’t offer the specifics of my past month… but I will reflect further.

Life Can Change in a Moment

I’ve gone from blissfully happy to devastated and back… Timid and scared to outraged… open and vulnerable to shut down and closed off. And that was just before my second cup of coffee yesterday. While this roller coaster of emotions has taken both a physical and emotional toll on me, what I’ve come to know is how fleeting life can be. Not just life—the physiological living, breathing, dying one—but life, the daily moments and memories, interactions and connections, causes and effects, decisions and consequences. Now, I’m not a science buff. I’m much more right-brained than left. So Newton’s Third Law (“for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”) isn’t exactly one I locked away in my memory bank from elementary school… at least not from a scientific perspective… but, it seems more than fitting of late from my perspective.

I’ve learned that some actions have impact on others in ways you’ll never know and the residual of such can linger for decades, redefining and reshaping people in ways you cannot imagine.

I’ve learned that one more hug, another “I love you,” and not leaving things unresolved can be the difference between living with regret or living in peace.

I’ve learned that nothing is promised or guaranteed.

I’ve learned the only thing I can control is myself. (That one is going to take more practice.)

I’ve learned that I’m the only one responsible for my own happiness… AND that I am not responsible for others’ happiness.

Everything Happens for a Reason

For as long as I can remember, which includes traipsing as a young child to Sunday school in my best dress and shoes, I’ve loved Ecclesiastes 3:1-8…

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

(~King James Version, Public Domain)

Call it fate, coincidence, or divine intervention. It matters not to me. Because what I’ve learned (though I already knew it inherently to be true) is that everything happens for a reason… in its own time, in its own way, and for reasons that we may or may not understand at the moment, in hindsight, or ever. Of course, knowing this and trusting this are two entirely different matters.

I am learning to trust.

Which takes me to my last little life takeaway…

Your Mistakes Do Not Define You

Snap! This is and has been one of the most difficult lessons for me to learn. I’ve also discovered this is not a challenge I face alone. It’s one I’m seeing others grapple with too, which reminds me how important showing up authentically can be. We are so hard on ourselves… far more unreasonable to ourselves than we’d ever be to a friend, colleague, or family member. I’ve had enough counseling and talk therapy to identify where some of the origins of my need for perfection come from, but I have to admit—knowing the why you think/feel/do something doesn’t immediately stop the act of doing it.

I understand the illogical thinking. I get the inability to not forgive yourself. And, I know that I am my own worst critic. So having made what feels like an enormous professional blunder related to my own cultural competence and unconscious bias… I’ve been pretty hard on myself. When everything you think you know and want to believe about who you are is called into question, that’s a mighty big pill to swallow. In fact, much of my hiding… ahem, time alone in quiet reflection… has been related to this mistake in particular.

What I’m trying to learn… to trust… to believe… is that I am not the mistake(s) I make. A singular moment does not define the totality of all I am… of who I am. I am the sum of many wonderful parts– both old and new– of plentiful words, actions, and deeds that are good…  and right…  and kind…  and real.

Humans are complicated and tangled messes of beautiful. I seemed to be a particularly  knotty jumble of that charm. When the tangled mess is all you see… when the chaos blocks the beautiful, we can become downright cruel, even abusive, to ourselves. I’ve been solidly locked in this dark space for longer than is healthy, but I’m starting to see the light again. With the help of some dear friends… friends who have been there quietly, without judgement, showing empathy, and reminding me of my worth… I’m seeing both the delicacy and tenaciousness, the clarity and clutter, of who I am.

I am more than the mistakes I’ve made in the past. I’m more than the ones I’ll make in the future. I will make them, whether I want to or not, because I’m human and I’m living.  And as my colleague would say, “If you’re still breathing, you’re still becoming.” I won’t make the same mistake, because I’m growing and learning… The next mistake will be a new one… and I’ll grow and learn again. Because I’m still breathing… and becoming.

I have to.

I must.

Because there are three little girls who are watching my every move… who will learn from my actions… who will reap what I sow.  I love them far too much to not love myself… to not try to make right any harm I’ve caused… to not fall down and get back up… and to not extend to myself the same grace and compassion I would to them.

I hope to raise strong women. But that also means I have to be one.

So watch out world! You can kick me in the ass, but you won’t keep me down. I got this!