Priceless

Leading into my 40^th birthday, I had a 40×40 bucket list. A list of things that I wanted to accomplish that would challenge me—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I accomplished much of the list and had some awesome experiences as a result. But, despite my best efforts, they weren’t all checked off.

I recently found myself at the end of another (rather difficult) calendar year… in my early 40s, a full-time working single mother of three beautiful girls (who are my world, purpose and joy), in a job that had lost some of its appeal despite my amazing colleagues, navigating the end of another romantic relationship, and in an overall somewhat melancholy state of mind.

As such, I went back to my bucket list. A list that was all about re-discovering me and saying “yes” to myself. On my 40×40 bucket list I had included “Do a classy boudoir photo shoot.” It was originally put on the list because I’ve never really liked my body… more modest than not, uncomfortable in my own skin, shy in terms of sexuality. If I was intent to challenge myself, this seemed like a good endeavor. One that never happened.

While considering the things I hadn’t accomplished, I was simultaneously intrigued by an opportunity I saw on Facebook… with a new year price discount (and I love a bargain). It was a “Glam Session” with a local photographer whose work I’d admired from afar and with a hair/makeup artist that I quite adore.

Now if you are part of my generation, you likely remember the old-school glamour shots of the 90s. You can imagine the potential ridicule, not to mention the ridiculous (and inaccurate) image in my head (feather boas, big hair, Olan Mills-esque cheesy, fisted hand-to-chin poses). But what the hell? And when was the last time that I did something fun and girly and just for me? And while it wouldn’t be a boudoir shoot… I promised myself I’d push my comfort zone limits and aim for one “sexy” look in the mix.

I had my Glam Session a week ago today and I cannot even begin to articulate how good this was for me mentally and emotionally… but also how fun it was! To take a few hours and focus 100% on me. My instinct going into it was that it was selfish and vain. But there is nothing further from the truth. It was bucket-filling, confidence-building, empowering, and fulfilling. It was safe, supportive, and encouraging. The focus was entirely on me… which took a bit to be comfortable with… but also incredibly rewarding once I gave into the insecurity and doubt and just became someone’s muse and inspiration.

While I’ll get to see the full lot of photos in the coming weeks, the photos are merely a keepsake by-product of a much more powerful process. The true outcome was learning that it is okay to do something that scares you… that intimidates you… that is uncomfortable… and that is entirely FOR YOU and no one else.

I think, as women, that we need to do this more. We need to understand that until we take care of ourselves… in whatever way, shape, and means makes sense for each individual… and do so without judgment of self (or others!)… that we cannot give our best selves to anyone else… not our partners… nor our children… nor our friends… nor our work.

The “process” of this photo shoot was a truly powerful and special one for me. And though I’m writing this blog to document that experience for solely myself, I also wanted to express my gratitude to Debbie (the photographer) and Charmaine (the hair and makeup artist) in a different way… so I wrote the below poem. FiftyCentLove Photographie is Debbie’s photography business.

When we did our initial consult, I asked her about her business name. She shared a sweet story that is hers to tell, not mine, but that epitomized for me the love that we—as mothers, sisters, girlfriends, spouses/partners, caregivers, and nurturers—give to the world. It struck inspiration and sparked this writing. I’m no Poe, Frost, Dickinson, or Whitman, but the below flowed from my very appreciative heart.

I encourage you to give yourself at least 50 cent of your own love.

Debbie and Charmaine… from the bottom of my heart, thank you!

FiftyCentLove

As women we are told
To give everything we’ve got
To everyone around us
Depleting our whole lot

It’s not that we don’t adore them
And want to give our love
To show that we are kind and care
But the others get most of

All we are and have to give
Focused outward not within
So this challenge I will issue
You’re as beautiful as you’ve ever been

If your whole life were a dollar
With 100% to give
Could you take just 50 cents
Say yes to yourself, give in?

To focus on who you were
Before you were, well… not
To indulge in your own dreams
Do what you want, not ought

You spend your life caring
For everyone all the time
Without realizing you are special
And really quite divine

So maybe just this once
Give in to your own desires
Say “yes” to yourself and go
It’s all that is required

A little attention on yourself
You will not regret nor second guess
You deserve perhaps more than anyone
To take a vacation from the stress

To do so isn’t negligent
No less your big heart is
It’s merely shifting your attention
It’s self-love that you give

Indulge your inner goddess
No matter how uncharacteristic of
And give yourself permission
To at least fifty cent of your own love