Ready, Set, GO!

I’m sure I could keep stalling, waiting, postponing—but a successful blog isn’t idle for nearly a year. I, the said blog’s writer, wasn’t idle during that time, quite the opposite. I was in the middle of what felt like a perpetual shit storm. Life has a funny way with its seasons and reasons. But I learned a very important lesson this past year and it’s time I applied it to my writing as well. Nothing happens if you don’t start.

Start a process. Start the change. Start to believe.

Let me go back for a bit so I can go forward. The second half of 2018 into 2019 was rough. But 2019 was not exactly a walk in the park. I have a friend who has fascinated me with the… art?… science?… of numerology (the study of the numerical value and the belief in the divine or mystical relationship between a number and one or more coinciding events). I have 11:11 tattooed on my body, so I was already kind of a fan… I just didn’t know it.

Through numerology, I learned that 2019 was a “1 Year” for me… which was to be “a journey of change, new beginnings, independence, and becoming who you really are.” Alrighty then, sounded good. I was ready to roll. Except change is hard and new beginnings mean the end of some current state. Independence and a newfound self-awareness require reflection and often moving on or letting go.

A former colleague of mine use to say, “If you are breathing, you are still becoming.” I’ve decided however that some folks “become” slowly and under very specific conditions– like a stinky cheese or sophisticated wine. Others go through the process of “becoming” rather expeditiously and chaotically– like a lighted match thrown on gas-soaked charcoal. Both “become” but some do it with a bit more… shall we say flair? That’d be me. (Cue the glitter toss.)

I struggled. I trudged. I hoped. I tried. I pushed back. I gave up. I cried. I lost sleep. I quit writing. I was a hamster on a wheel to nowhere. Or so it seemed. But I wasn’t stuck. Stubborn, complacent, a martyr for the work with a need to be important– absolutely. Integrity is, and has always been, the value I hold most dear. When I realized that I was saying one thing and doing another… when I realized change would only occur if I created it… when it became clear I could no longer do my best work… when I understood that I mattered as an individual (rather than solely as an employee, supervisor, colleague, workhorse, etc.)… THAT’s when I realized that I held the power.

It wasn’t that I didn’t know my priorities and my values. I did. I do. It’s that there was incongruence in them and my daily life. There was misalignment, distrust, exhaustion, and routine. I had joined the “be a good soldier” bandwagon of empty promises, where well-being matters (but not really- now back to work!); diversity and equity are principles by which we are defined (but rarely uphold- unless you identify with privilege); and, organizational change is always for the best (yet typically for the benefit of only one or two specific people). So, I walked away.

I walked toward my children—THEY are my priority. THEY will be my legacy. I walked toward actualized self-care, better health, and intentional wellness… and began to realize how worn, torn, resilient, and tenacious I am. I walked toward a renewed personal commitment to continue doing the work and learning of the social justice matters for which I care so deeply. I walked away from the people, places, and things that were robbing me of my joy. I left my job. I left my employer of more than 18 years. I left people I’d come to love… but discovered those individuals who were most important I didn’t leave at all.

I cannot write this without acknowledging the extreme privilege I have in being able to leave my job without a plan… without a paycheck… without employer insurance. I realize this is not what most people can do. I understand how blessed I am, how lucky beyond measure I am…  and I also readily admit that all of this is mostly possible from the hard work, good planning, and systemic privilege of others… primarily my father.

In either case, here I am. I am now in my “2 Year Cycle.” I have new things to practice. The 2 Year Cycle “is a slow journey of connection, partnership, relationship, patience, attention to detail, cooperation, sensitivity, and gradual progress.” I’m excited about embracing the unknown, but there are three words in the 2 Year Cycle that are going to be the MY challenge: slow, patience, gradual.

Dammit.

You know what I’m not? Patient.

Know what else? Slow.

And gradual? Hell. I’m that match. KABOOM! Not a ripening cheese or fermenting wine.

It’s 2020 though, and every time I say the year out loud, I think of 20/20 vision. It’s the universe’s friendly reminder to me that perfect vision—of self, life, purpose, impact, legacy—comes with time, slowly. I’m trying. Trying to be patient. Trying to manage my expectations. Trying to simply slow down and learn to JUST BE. Be present. Be open to possibility. Be diligent with pursuing my dreams. Be with my kids. Be ME… aligned and congruent, happy and joy-filled, and at peace with what is and what will be.

As Mark Twain said, “The secret of getting ahead is getting started.” I’m ready. Let’s go!