Dolce Far Niente
It’s no secret that I’m a fan of counseling and talk therapy. I’ve been seeing the same counselor for more than five years. She’s helped me navigate a divorce, job changes and challenges, parenting, “childing” (I made that word up, but basically the opposite of parenting; interactions with my parents as a grown adult), relationships (professional, personal, romantic, etc.), depression, anxiety, and so much more.
She is amazing! While the professional-provider boundary is a clear and respected line for both of us, I consider her a mentor, friend, cheerleader, truth teller, enlightenment giver, inspirational provider, amazing listener, challenger, and consummate professional. She is easily someone who is on my shortlist of life-changing human beings.
It’s normal for her to say something insightful and for me to say, “Oooh, hold on, let me write that down.” At a recent session, we were discussing my current stage in life—too young to be considered retired, but unemployed (by choice) after more than 18 years at the same institution. She piped in and said, “Oh wait, I heard a phrase the other day and immediately thought of you!”
The phrase was Dolce Far Niente. It’s Italian for “the sweetness of doing nothing.” Quite literally, it’s intentionally doing nothing and enjoying it. The art of being idle. Merriam-Webster defines it as, “pleasant relaxation in carefree idleness,”
Isn’t that a lovely concept?
Apparently the movie Eat, Pray, Love made the phrase famous, though I’ve read the book by Elizabeth Gilbert and seen the movie and it didn’t stick. But like all things, you tend to notice that which applies to you. (Like when car shopping and you suddenly notice your desired car on the road more often than ever before? Or pregnant and notice all the other pregnant women? Or is this just me?) In either case, this phrase was quite applicable to me in my current state… so it stuck.
We discussed how it could be a new mantra for me… given my tendency to never slow down, much less stop… how I might intentionally practice Dolce Far Niente. The phrase is already proving quite helpful, especially in this “Two Year Cycle” of intentionally slowing down, gradual progress, and great patience. I found an article online that offers 7 Steps to Experience the Sweetness of Doing Nothing. I, personally, am drawn to and focusing on, “Get rid of your guilt” and “Find your inner artist”– admittedly not where I started with my own, “Maybe I’ll stay in my pajamas and binge watch Netflix all day” idea.
People used to say, “Work to live, don’t live to work.” But that is what we all do– or seem to do: live to work. I’d venture a guess that the “Work Hard, Play Hard” mantra is far more prevalent these days. A quick Google search demonstrates how broken the American workplace is…
“American workers are more stressed, sleep deprived, burnt out and disengaged than ever before…”
“The American workplace is grueling, stressful and surprisingly hostile.”
These quotes nail how I’d been feeling about work. I liked my job. I loved my office colleagues. We produced some amazing work and had fun doing so. But when the bad days (full of politics, drama, and stress) began to continually outnumber the good days… when the work just never slowed down and the expectations continued to increase… when my values seemed misaligned with my organization’s… when work became my life and I was missing out on things I claimed as priorities… when my mom expressed legitimate concerns that I was going to “stroke out and die from stress”… well, something had to change.
The last article above (“college-educated elite”) talks about “workism” (a legitimate medical condition more commonly referred to as work addition). Here’s an excerpt:
“What is workism? It is the belief that work is not only necessary to economic production, but also the centerpiece of one’s identity and life’s purpose; and, the belief that any policy to promote human welfare must always encourage more work.”
“…The centerpiece of one’s identity…”
This is a dangerous concept; and yet, it was so true for me. Hell, it IS true for me. My work—even now without a formal title nor paycheck (i.e.- how I use my time)—is not only a struggle of identity, but also of self-worth. In America, we often define “valuable work” as white collar, corner office, c-suite aspiring, six figure salary, long hours, unused vacation days, coming to work sick, missed lunch hours and not taking breaks, etc.
Dolce Far Niente challenges the negative voice in our head that says it’s lazy to be idle. Let’s put down the technology and look up and around us; let’s find comfort in tuning out the barrage of information and the glow of the hypnotic screen. Shall we sit in the sun, feel the breeze on our face, and just listen to our breath? Perhaps we can show interest in the person before their work or their employer. And, maybe we can practice saying, “no” to the endless requests that don’t bring joy and choose to simply be… to be content, to be still, and to enjoy the sweetness of no plans, no tasks, and no distractions.
I didn’t say I was good at any of this. In fact, I suck. It takes a lot of effort for me to be quiet and still, but I think it’s worth practicing. I also think it sounds indulgent, like dessert, and not like work at all. How bad could it possibly be?
Would you like to join me for some Dolce Far Niente? Let’s get busy doing nothing!
GlitterBombMom 