Boundaries
For the past several new years, I’ve chosen a word of intention to guide my next 365 days. 2020’s word is BOUNDARIES. Boundaries… personal boundaries, specifically… are defined by Wikipedia as:
“…guidelines, rules, or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.”
I suck at boundaries. By suck I mean that I didn’t (or haven’t previously) really had any. Morals, ethics, rules, parameters– I have those. But even they were (or could be) fluid if it meant keeping the peace.
I’m a people-pleaser. I’m a rule-follower, even if the rule is sometimes stupid or arbitrary. I’m the middle child in my family and a cancer sign (astrologically), which translates to being the “glue,” the arbitrator, and the keeper of all harmony. #Impossible #NotMyResponsibilty
In short, having no boundaries translates to compromising, sacrificing, and ignoring my own needs and wants to avoid the discomfort of disappointing another human being.
Sometimes that human being is incredibly important and matters greatly to me. Sometimes that human being is a stranger who should hold no real power or influence. In both cases, and in all the spaces between, I’m terrible at sitting in discomfort… primarily the discomfort of another person’s dissatisfaction with me. Which, admittedly, is ridiculous. Any discomfort I feel should be in the not being true to myself, my needs, my wants, my desires.
Y’all know I’m a fan of talk therapy. I’ve been more than open and honest about such in various blog postings. Through counseling, I’ve come to understand that my tendency to capitulate, acquiesce, and sacrifice myself for another comes from being codependent. It’s a self-preservation skill that I developed long ago. A skill that ridding myself of is taking far longer than I’d like.
Like so many things, this is probably not a situation where I’ll ever “arrive.” There is no finish line. Instead, there’s continuous learning, reading, watching, listening, feeling, and aligning for the rest of my life. There’s improvement. There’s growth. There’s progress. These are the mile markers on a lifelong marathon of undoing what has become my normal.
Some “homework” from my therapy of late has been to “sit in discomfort.” To know, regardless of circumstance, that I am okay—even if others are not okay with me. To trust myself, not others’ opinions, or statements, or projections of, about, or onto me.
Sit. In. Discomfort.
Please, dear God, don’t make me do that. I like clean lines, symmetry, order, plans, schedules, and predictability. I like control. Control allows me to avoid the discomfort. I’m good at control.
I’m currently reading Glennon Doyle’s most recent book, Untamed (which, BTW, is BRILLIANT), and there was a statement that really struck me. She said…
“The ache keeps me prepared, distanced, safe. The ache keeps me ‘fine’ which is another word for ‘half-dead’.”
Glennon’s “ache” is fear– the fear of hurt, pain, sadness, truth, worth, shame, etc. and so on. It is the fear of all we will FEEL if we remain still just long enough.
As for FINE… what a stupid and useless word! I’ve learned (for me) that “fine” means “not well, but also not wishing to discuss… or acknowledge… or feel.” I’ve been fine for a long time. If I tell you, “I’m fine,” you should be scared. When Glennon said, “fine [is] another word for half-dead,” I cringed. Ouch. Sometimes it takes that kind of slap in the face to wake up… to remember to live.
What I’ve come to realize is that “fine” also means having no personal boundaries. As Glennon said, “fine [is] half-dead.” Boundaries allow for being MORE than fine. They offer a different type of control… of preservation… of ALIVE-ness. Boundaries offer protection… they honor one’s self.
So in this dumpster-fire year of 2020, I’ve been drafting, creating, establishing, defining, enacting, and implementing boundaries…
- Boundaries that shift the ache, the discomfort, the control from external (unhealthy) to internal (healthy)
- Boundaries that align what I feel on the inside with what I do on the outside (integrity)
- Boundaries that are in MY best interest… that align my values, beliefs, and priorities.
Saying “no” is hard. And… I’m okay, even if you are not ok with me.
The people-pleaser in me struggles. AND… I’m okay, even if you are not ok with me.
It feels selfish to take care of me. AND… I’m okay, even if you are not ok with me.
Actually, I’m better than OK. I’m focused on the real, authentic, and truest version of me. I’m alive.
Thanks for respecting my boundaries.
GlitterBombMom 
Sometimes I feel like you understand me more than anyone! One topic I have been working on with my therapist most recently is boundaries. I have a hard time saying “no” and have lived my life as a people-pleaser. It has exhausted me without realizing it. Anyway, all of this to say thank you for your words and for sharing this blog. I enjoy reading it and appreciate you, friend.
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