The In Between

In late 2019, I left my job as Communications Director (along with a damn good salary) at an organization I’d been with for more than 18 years… the majority of my career to date. My priorities were out of sync in life and no longer aligned with my workplace (which, as a communicator, can be problematic at best and annoying at worst). I envisioned something different. And I needed to step away to figure out what “different” might be.

Since my departure, there have been more school shootings, natural disasters, and debates and primaries to determine the Democratic candidate for the next U.S. Presidential election. There has been a global pandemic known as COVID-19 that still remains a U.S. health crisis and has resulted in “unprecedented times” and a “new normal” involving quarantines, home schooling, masks or facial coverings, and social/physical distancing. There have been murder hornets, 17-year cicadas (Brood IX distinct to southwestern Virginia, southern West Virginia, and western North Carolina), and a Saharan dust storm. And, there is ongoing protest and racial unrest due to police brutality and white supremacy. In short, it’s been a dumpster fire year… a first-class A-1 shit show.

This pretty much sums up how I feel about it all…

Between pretending to be smarter than my 2^nd grader, hand sanitizing, and becoming a Netflix connoisseur, I’ve done a good bit of reading, thinking, writing, and reflecting. That said, I haven’t had any epiphanies. I can’t offer any solutions or answers. Hell, I couldn’t even figure out new math. I have no clear direction on what the future looks like… or what my future may be. At this point, I’m just hoping for a workforce to return to when I’m ready.

My greatest takeaway to date from all this introspection, however, is that we are a society that unwaveringly lends itself to “either/or” thinking, rather than “both/and” thinking. There are rarely continuums of choice or possibility. Society insists on a binary. You must be EITHER this OR that.

• Male or Female
• Black or White
• Rich or Poor
• Smart or Stupid
• Republican or Democrat
• Straight or Gay
• Skinny or Fat
• Good or Bad
• Pretty or Ugly
• Right or Left
• Success or Failure
• Happy or Sad
• Hard or Easy
• Right or Wrong
• Liberal or Conservative
• Old or Young
• Beginning or End
• Arrival or Departure
• Dead or Alive

ALL or NOTHING

This extreme… the perpetual binary… is not only short-sighted and inaccurate, it’s harmful, restrictive, and diminishing. It’s lessons us as individuals and demoralizes us as a society. If there is a demise to the United States, I fear it will be because we insist on extremes… because we label indiscriminately and carelessly… because we don’t take the time to know ourselves, much less anyone else… because we forget the in between.

I’m reminded of a poem called, “The Dash” by Linda Ellis.

Or, musically, U2’s song All I Want Is You…

… But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave…

…All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave…

U2

So many of the promises we make… to ourselves, to others… in our “dash” are based on what we think we should do/want/desire. This is why they are also the promises we break… to ourselves, and to others.

I cannot help but wonder what it would be like to be unconcerned with the perceptions of others… to give a rat’s ass about the labels we’re assigned. To just be… enough. As we are. Or, even better, to let others be… enough. As they are.

As I’ve been thinking about all of this, a photographer friend has been doing her own soul searching. Like any great artist, she found a way to channel it to outward expression. When she first announced it, this is what she said…

What within you is demanding expression? I’ve been posting some black and white self-portraits of me recently because 2020 has been a Chrysalis of change, not only in the world, but deep within me of who I am. Do you also feel this? I created a unique session so I can help you have portraits like this too. It’s called a Chrysalis Session…

Debbie Smith, FiftyCentLove Photographie

This spoke to me. I’d done glamour portraits with her as a late 40^th birthday present for myself. But this felt different. This felt… vulnerable. As we discussed about my session, she posed some thoughtful questions. Here is an excerpt of my reply:

…COVID and quarantining has stripped me of so many things– perfectly painted nails, coiffed hair, flawless makeup, dressing up… in short, it’s removed all the pretense… all the doing to meet the expectations of others… I’ve done better than survival, but it hasn’t always felt that way…

…Raw. Real. Strength. Exhaustion. Courage. These are words that come to mind…

…I walked away from [my job] with not much more than a ‘wing and a prayer’ to realign my priorities and values. I scored a part time job and then lost it because of the pandemic. I’m trying to write [a book] … I’m working to overcome some ‘big stuff’… And, I’ve fallen in love again… If this isn’t all growth, change, becoming, and transformation– I’m not sure what is.

There is no arrival… no finish line, per se… but I’d like to document the journey at this particular point in time. Change is the only thing that stays the same… we evolve, or we die. 2020 has been hard, REALLY hard, but I like the progression and evolution of who I am, what I want, what I’m willing to sacrifice (or not), and what truly matters to me in life.

Me

Quite frankly, it was nice to leave my house (in a safe, mask-wearing, socially distanced way) to capture the “me” of right now. The results are exactly what I hoped for… Raw. Real. Strength. Exhaustion. Courage. And yet, as I was downloading them, I could help but think of the “dichotoME.”

Sometimes a visual is better than words…

I am both of these women… and a whole hell of a lot of in between. And this is just the physical me. It’s a static, captured, moment in time me. Yet, the 4D version of me is dynamic, complex, and a conundrum of humanity. There is a 4D version to everyone.

We aren’t limited to EITHER this OR that… we are the complicated and beautiful IN BETWEEN.

The English idiom “don’t judge a book by its cover” remains exceptional advice to live by. Whether appearing new and pristine off the bookshelves or tattered and dog-eared from numerous handlings, it’s not our covers and bindings that matter. They may keep us temporarily safe and protected but they, ultimately, are UNnecessary to the importance of what lies within… our content.

If only we could be content with our own content…

If only we could spend more time understanding the stories of others, instead of judging the cover…

If only we could be more comfortable with the intricate, imperfect, unpolished IN BETWEEN of ourselves and others…

THEN… then we might be able to appreciate and sit comfortably in the enormous library of love and light surrounding us.