Best Laid Plans

“Where do you hope to be in five years? Ten?”

This must be the most pointless question ever asked. I guess, depending on the answer, it might show ambition… desire… hopeful achievement. Maybe.

Thus far, however, my crystal ball of wishful thinking has been terribly off track. I can’t help but wonder what other expectations this foreshadowing line of questions might laden us with at the same time.

Don’t misunderstand. I value hard work. I love a solid plan. A forward trajectory in life is a GOOD thing. It is important to dream, wish, seek, pursue, and hope. They are vital elements to a life well lived. I just think they need to be paired with grace, understanding, forgiveness, kindness, and compassion… mostly for oneself, alongside a healthy dose of self-efficacy.

Is where you are right now where you want to be? If not, can you define your “where” or “there”? Is “there” something you’ve always wanted? Does “there” seem unattainable? Is “there” even where you still want to be… or are you hanging on and unsure why? What if “there” will never happen? Or if it is entirely out of your control? What if you planned for none of it, but you are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment time? How would you know?

Living to meet the expectations of others can make life complicated. Living to meet our own expectations can sometimes make life miserable. If you’d asked the 13, 23, and 33-year-old versions of me where I’d be at 43, I’m certain I’d have gotten it all wrong.  

For starters, I didn’t think I’d be divorced. I won’t say this unilaterally, but I will say with decent confidence that most people don’t get married thinking they’ll one day be divorced, despite the statistics. I most certainly did not, yet I know it was best.

I didn’t think my own parents would be divorced. In the simplest and most selfish of thinking, I never imagined having to negotiate holidays with my ex, my mom, my dad, and my brothers. I just assumed I’d always provide my children with Christmases like I experienced… where predictability and tradition prevailed. That said. I’ve learned those traditions CAN prevail if you care less about them occurring on a specific calendar date.

I didn’t think I’d be the mom of THREE girls. I knew I wanted to be a mom. I’m even certain I would have found a way to achieve such regardless of the how; but, to have given birth to three beautiful daughters? Nope. I had two brothers. I thought I’d have boys. I’m not sure I get sisters and the inevitable estrogen warfare to come. Most days, I have no idea how to handle all three with their varying personalities and penchant for individualized drama… but I adore every minute.

I didn’t think I’d live in Blacksburg, Virginia, and work for the university that I vehemently swore I’d never attend (because being the black sheep in my family was a coveted position); but, I did, for nearly two decades, all the while enjoying a successful career.

I didn’t think I’d ever walk away from that institution to be a stay-at-home mom for a bit, while also trying to focus on my writing and photography. I sure as hell didn’t think a global pandemic would occur mere months into this new role rendering my kids at-home 24/7 for nearly six months. But, I can now add teacher, short-order chef, and peace negotiator to my resume.

COVID-19 has landed us all in a NOT where we thought we’d be scenario. There are memes and jokes about what you have on your 2020 Bingo card… because, quite frankly, you cannot make up the array of ridiculousness that’s gone down this year. Tiger King, murder hornets, Meghxit, and asteroids, oh my!

It is only in thinking way too much about where I am not… what I am not doing… that I started thinking about expectations… my own and others… and decided to recalculate my thinking to focus on what I AM doing. What I’ve come to realize is, no matter how uncomfortable it feels, I am right where I need to be.

What if we are always right where we need to be when we need to be there?

Beautiful thought, isn’t it?

Yeah, I know, it doesn’t ease my mind very much either. At least I can be honest about that.

I worry about what people think… yet, I cannot explain why I care… or if I even do. I fret about what I’ll “do next” (from a career standpoint), berating my daily productivity and criticizing my contributions… invalidating the good and hard work that I’m doing in this moment. I am anxious… for myself, my kids, my community… as “unprecedented times” have now fully claimed their role as “the new normal.”

But then I focus on what I AM doing and I realize that I am happy. I feel more balanced. My well-being is improved. My priorities are in alignment with my actions and my time given. I sleep eight hours per night. I get more fresh air and exercise. I laugh A LOT. I’m reading more than I ever have. I’m pursuing passions that fuel my creativity and imagination. I am fully present for my girls… less stressed and more available… offering them the best version of me that I can… at a time when, perhaps, they need it more than ever.

I am not where (or “how”) I thought I would be; but, I do believe I am exactly where I’m supposed to be at this very moment in time. I’ve never been good at predicting the future, but I believe there is the invisible string that connects every moment in my past to the right here, right now.

Perhaps hindsight really is 20/20.

Maybe 2020 is the year that teaches us to live *comfortably* in the here and now… the year we learn that no matter what comes next, we are always exactly where we are meant to be?