Every Day I’m Struggling

This weekend was daylight savings time. It’s a full moon. They are calling for snow. If you’re on the Atlantic coast, those also apply to you.

Zoom in on Google maps to my little slice of small town Virginia.

I’m a single mom to three little girls ages 10, 7, and 4. I work a very demanding full-time job. I’m in the processing of moving to a new home.

I have one daughter who is a joyful living terror and gives new meaning to the term stubborn; one daughter who is beautifully unique, but navigating how to be a fish in a bird’s world; and, one daughter who is thoughtful and brilliant, yet determined to perfect the art of eye-rolling and melodrama.  I have one daughter who went to school in her pajamas today because I gave up the fight to get her dressed; I’m on a mission to teach another daughter the states of matter and whether energy is added or removed in the process of condensation, evaporation, freezing, and melting; and, for another daughter, I swear it’d be easier to shave her head Sinead O’Connor style than to put up the fight to brush it twice daily.  Reminder: I only have 3 daughters—but it feels like more given they are complex, complicated, beautiful, tenacious, head-strong, and PERSISTENT women who I absolutely adore and admire… and they wear me out.

As for me… Well, I don’t like my body. I can’t get my hair to do what I want it to. I feel intellectually inferior on my best days. I cannot keep a plant alive, even if my life depended on it. My mini-van could feed a small army of stranded gnomes with stale goldfish and crusty French fry parts.  My house could presently be mistaken for a flea market.  And my life, altogether combined, feels like DEFCON1.

I am in the last few months of my thirties and tired. Not just tired, exhausted. Exhausted like there isn’t enough caffeine in the world AND I ran a marathon… with no time to eat, pee, or rejuvenate. And, today, I am struggling more than normal.  Maybe not struggling so much as emotional.  It’s one of those days where the cups of “eye liquid” are overflowing and one innocent bat of the eyelashes in an attempt to be coy may actually result in tears streaming down. Today is the type of day where I wonder if I will get it all done… ever. A day when I think I’m probably ruining the three most important things I’ve ever created… little people who’ve been entrusted to me.  In short, I question my worth and I feel not good enough.

So, now that I’ve managed to leave work, have a parent-teacher conference with my ex as we practice co-parenting, pick up that beautiful trifecta, get them home, execute homework, put food in their bellies (via the leftovers of a kind and generous soul), and consumed one (okay, two– truth be told) glasses of red wine, I’m writing.  I’m allowing my little people to bathe themselves (no one is drowning, I promise) and to enjoy the mindless act of watching television while I take a moment for myself.

And this is what I’ve decided… there is no way that I can be the ONLY person feeling inadequate in this world.  There is no way that I’m the only person who is tired, emotional, struggling, and questioning—albeit the numerous blessings and privileges of which I’m so keenly aware. These are all first-world problems.  I get that.

In fact, even writing this reminds me of an Ally McBeal episode (dating myself here—but you can Google that lovely show if you are unfamiliar), where Ally says…

So, please don’t judge me, because I’m judging myself enough right now.  And what I’m hoping… what I’m praying for… is that one of two things happens:  1) That I find some relief in taking this 30 minutes to record my thoughts.  And, maybe—just maybe—2) That what I write will authentically resonate with another momma who just needs to hear these words so as to know she is not alone (because I, most certainly– despite whatever appearances I portray–do NOT have my shit together and you are welcome to join my club!).

That said, I’m going to do what my therapist and many a friend has said to do…  “Instead of being so hard on yourself, what would you say to a friend?”

So this is what I’d say. I figure if I need to hear it, maybe there are others out there who need to hear it too…

You are ENOUGH.  You are strong beyond measure.  You are smarter than you give yourself credit. You are courageous and have the strength of 1,000 armies. You are thoughtful, kind, and sincere. You are doing your best and that IS enough. Ignore the haters and nay-sayers.

Your children think you are amazing—yes, EVEN when you fuss, nag, yell, and scold.  That’s your job!  Be their mother.  Being their friend is secondary.

You are beautiful—a divine creation and goddess who walks this planet.  What you see in the mirror and in your mind is distorted by society and perfection and unrealistic expectation. You brought life into this world– you are nothing short of a miracle! Your soft spots are hug-able, your curves attractive, your scars proof of all that you’ve survived, and your wrinkles are indicative of laughter and smiles.

Be as kind to yourself as you are to others.  Take care of yourself. Remember—you have to put on your own oxygen mask first so as to be helpful to those around you.

Your children love Spaghetti O’s and Kraft Mac n’ Cheese… these are gourmet meals in their eyes. Stop judging yourself.  Instead, sit down and enjoy the moment– eating with them rather than worrying if there is something green on the table. If they are happy, you’ll be happy! If they are sad, be their mom—tell them you love them.  Then tell yourself the same.

You are a role model—to your children, your friends, your colleagues, and to others you’ll never even know whose lives you’ve touched.

Drink more water. Get more sleep. Exercise when you can. Take a mental health day if you need one. Breath in deep and exhale (repeat 10 times).  Enjoy some fresh, crisp outdoor air.  Take a walk or go for a run.  Have another glass of wine.   🙂

Say “no” when you need to.  Set your own expectations and raise your own bar—don’t let others define you, your work, your life, or your happiness.

Find something to be grateful for… daily.  Say nothing but “thank you” when you receive a compliment.

YOU ARE ENOUGH.

YOU ARE LOVED.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL—INSIDE AND OUT.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Now, go read a bedtime story and snuggle your little ones to sleep.  Then watch The Bachelor or read a novel. Take a bubble bath or go to sleep. But no matter what…

YOU DO YOU… because you are nothing short of absolute inspiration, even on the days you don’t see it in yourself!

I see it in you (and I hope you see it in me too). We are the warriors and the winners and the wonder of this world!

#WonderWomen

#NeverthelessShePersisted