Practice Makes Perfect

 I’ve been thinking a lot about civility lately. What does it mean? Whom does it help? Whom does it hinder? How is it defined? Why does it matter?

I work in Communications for Student Affairs at Virginia Tech and we (Student Affairs) have five Aspirations for Student Learning. The Aspirations speak to me, personally, and were one of the reasons I accepted a position within this division of the institution.

I’m also a mom and the five Aspirations are what I’d hope for my own children’s lives. It’s not that I don’t try to instill these values on my own as a parent; I do. And, I think the developmental stage of life at which point college traditionally happens is significant. It is often during this same period that a young person first experiences true independence. So I value that Virginia Tech’s education is about more than just a degree. The Aspirations are about thriving in life… not just in a job or career.

One of our five Aspirations is “Practice Civility.”

As a lover of words, I appreciate the succinct clarity with which the Aspirations are written. I love the call to action that exists in each.  You should note this one says “practice.”

prac·tice [ˈpraktəs]

VERB

1.      perform (an activity) or exercise (a skill) repeatedly or regularly in order to improve or maintain one’s proficiency

It doesn’t say, “exhibit” or “display” or “portray.” It says “practice.”

I understand the basic rules of chess, basketball, and baking, respectively; however, it doesn’t mean I’m good at any of those. Sheer understanding does not necessarily improve one’s skill set. I’m certain I’ll never be as good as Jose Capablanca, Chamique Holdsclaw, or Yigit Pura. Perhaps your grandmother offered the same rhetoric as mine… “Practice makes perfect.” As with most old adages, therein lies a wealth of truth.

So while you may hold the door for another patron or mind your manners with a frequent “please” and “thank you,” what would it look like if we ALL really, truly PRACTICED civility? In deed and in word.

Our country is in a very curious place right now. We are deeply divided in ideology, politics, and values. Perhaps we’ve always been and the change I’m experiencing is more about a robust free expression of those beliefs without concern for delivery or impact… and, in some cases, without concern for the truth.

As I grow in my own cultural competence, I continue to reflect on my privilege, experiences, and learning. The blind spots (as an individual who lives largely in the majority) are many. I experienced my entry into this personal growth endeavor as a very public and painful “calling out” of me as someone so opposite who I thought I was.

Yet, in life, we have choices so I decided to work hard to become who I thought I was… who I wanted to be… instead of avoidance, denial, and a steadfast holding on to who I was. I didn’t do it alone. Growth is seldom a solo act. I was extended extreme grace, patience, love, and education… civility if you will… from those who owe it to me least. In fact, those individuals OWE me nothing. Just the opposite really.

It hasn’t been a smooth or easy journey. It is downright hard and exhausting at times. I also know that my own discomfort in awareness and growth is not nearly as difficult as life, in general, is for a person of color… or for an individual who is gender non-conforming… or for those who are homosexual… or who are not able-bodied… and the list goes on. My journey has really just begun. This isn’t an endeavor where one ever “arrives.”

Back to “practicing civility.”

I’ve been considering the benefits extended to me with regard to civility that others don’t receive. For example, I am allowed to become passionate and emboldened. I can raise my voice. I can use well-placed profanity to make a point. I can sit comfortably in a belief that “this or that” justification and accusation, so long as delivered with my typical charm, is normally received as a form of civility.

The reality is that others can’t do the same. Civility, as a concept, is used against them. Individuals exhibiting the same behavior as me, but who reside in the margins, are called out for being angry, unreasonable, even raging. We, the majority, often don’t allow our colleagues and acquaintances who are different from us the same privilege. Privileges we expect and demand, but don’t extend.

AND, I can identify the ways I can shut down a conversation. How I try to “win” a dialogue as if it were a debate. How I get in my own way on this growth journey toward cultural competence… frequently against my own well-meaning co-allies. In particular, I know I’ve been accusatory and demeaning of my Christian peers and white male counterparts, as a collective. Unintentionally of course… or maybe just unaware (until now). Unfair for sure.

Dialogue, discussion, and effective communication only happen when all parties share an equal voice and are able to exchange ideas and truths. No matter how difficult to say or hear. While so many have been silenced for too damn long, we must work hard… PRACTICE if you will… not to disenfranchise those individuals firmly planted in the majority who, like with so much of our history, hold the greatest power to affect systemic change.

All of this to say, I think the brilliant minds who created the Aspirations for Student Learning understood far greater than I the power of words and the aspirational concept of civility. AND, I think we ALL have to do better and work harder to invite in voices different from our own—even if they look like us. We need to ask ourselves when we are “taken aback” by the comments or emotional response from an individual in the margins if our reaction would be the same if it came from our mothers, fathers, brothers, and sisters. Do we hold implicit bias in ways we don’t even recognize? Are we working toward understanding or winning? Have we done our own work to educate and understand the perspectives being shared?

We won’t always get it right. But we have to keep trying.

I’d say we need all the practice we can get.