There are many roads…

July 24, 2018 (Part I)

Five years. It seems like both an eternity and like yesterday all at once.

I’m sitting on a plane at 41 years old heading to the 20^th reunion of what was the most magical, transformative, physically exhausting, and personally rewarding year of my life.

In 1998, I graduated from the University of Tennessee-Knoxville, not even old enough to buy an alcoholic beverage. I came home for a few weeks, worked a terrible temp job in a loan shop (if you have to finance your vacation to Dollywood, stay home!), and I departed on what was my 21^st birthday headed to Denver, Colorado. I was joining the international organization Up with People (UWP) where I’d spend the next year as a global ambassador, cast member and performer, and host daughter. I had packed my bags for six summer weeks amid the Colorado Rockies (okay, it was pretty much only Ranum High School) with nary a clue about the year in front of me. All I knew is I was going solo, ready for an adventure, and that I wouldn’t be home for a visit (or to change out/add to my limited suitcase contents) until December.

It was AH-MAZNG! Hard- yes. Awesome- yes. 120 students of 23 different nationalities. We traveled to 14 countries. I lived with 65 host families. We danced, did community service, traveled by bus, plane and train, and experienced culture shock.  I learned so much about myself. It remains the single most-transformative experience of my life thus far.

The other thing that happened… I found the most important people in my life outside of my own family.

Members of Cast C98 became, and still are, some of my best friends in life. In addition to our time on the road, we’ve experienced dating and Halloween parties, marriage and concerts in Vegas, babies and football games. We’ve brunched and lunched and drank too much. We’ve lounged by pools and sat at bars. We’ve laughed. We’ve cried. We’ve laughed so hard we cried… or peed our pants (just depends on which instance you are referring to). We’ve shared joy, success, happiness, achievement, and made memories that will last a lifetime. We’ve also shared pain, loss, fear, frustration, and humiliation. It seems in life you don’t get just one side of the coin. But who better to share it all with?

Up with People Cast C 1998… you are my people! Damn, 20 years. How did that happen?

My Papaw Jack always said, “The older you get, the faster it goes.” I’m realizing now how right he was.

While the origins of how this all began are important context, they aren’t the point of this blog. One would expect things to change, rather dramatically even, over twenty years. As I contain my excitement headed toward what I know will be an equally amazing four-day reunion, I can’t help but reflect on my own past five years.

We last convened in 2013. The update I gave to my cast at that time was something like this: Happily married. I’d had my third daughter (the final child) a year prior. I loved my work but needed and new challenge. As such, I would be interviewing for a new job via Skype upon my return home. My brother was in ICU after a head injury…which was all the more painful given my best friend from this shared UWP experience had lost her younger brother to the same the year before. I was, as the Indigo Girls’ song says, “heavier by the year, and heavier by the load.” But I managed, 15 years later, to crank out some old-school dance moves in our Era Show on a stage, under spotlights, in front of a live audience… and didn’t die.

You’d think after three kids in six years that one’s world might already be turned upside down; and, it was. However, nothing like it has been since giving that update five years ago.

Let’s see… flash forward to now. 2018. This year’s reunion update synopsis: I got the job I interviewed for right after our 15 year reunion, which also was a new career, and I’ve changed jobs and my career again since. I separated from my husband and am now divorced (a process that occupied 2.5 of the 5 years). I’ve moved three times but now own a beautiful and colorful home that makes me smile when I walk through the door, with ample space to be the place all my kids and their friends convene (or, you know, to host Up with People should they ever come to town!). Oh, and I glittered the garage floor just because I could. I’m in a “new” relationship (by “new” I mean post my ex-husband) where I’ve found a best friend, partner, confidant, cheerleader, hopeless romantic, big-hearted, wonderful man who is also divorced, also a single parent, and also fiercely loyal and annoyingly doting… which I adore. Unfortunately, he is also 1500 miles away. Oh, and the other/older brother of that BFF I mentioned above (that situation was only incredibly awkward for like 18 months).

Not five years ago, and certainly not 20 years ago, would I have predicted all of these changes. And, though you won’t know it because I just died my hair pink, those life changes have made me significantly more grey, a little older (wrinkles are wisdom etched in), and a whole lot happier.

Going through these changes are what brought me back to who I was 20 years ago. I don’t know how it happened, nor when it happened. I can’t explain it, justify it, or even understand all of it. All I know is that in those first 15 years, I slowly and incrementally lost pieces of me. I’d rarely find and experience the “old me” EXCEPT when one of these reunions rolled around every five years.

When that happened, well… I was overcome with anticipation, excitement, joy and enthusiasm at the prospect of each reunion. I was going back to people who knew me just as Hunter. Not Mike’s daughter. Not Aaron’s wife. Not as the Gresham girls’ mom. But as Hunter– a gal from Tennessee with a southern accent and the trademark ribbon in her hair who laughed too loud, loved to dance, and was ready to take on the world (literally and figuratively). My cup runneth over for four days every five years.

I would depart ecstatic… and return deflated.

It wasn’t that I didn’t love my life. I did. I’d checked off many of the requisite and milestone to-dos (in hindsight I might have pitched that shitty must-do list out the window early on). I was a good and loyal wife. I had a successful career and a steady paycheck. I was (still am) a loving, caring, and engaged mother. But there was a version of me squelched, squandered, smashed down, and stuffed away when I wasn’t with my Cast C98 family.

Coming into this reunion has felt different. It took me a while to understand fully why, but I finally have. It’s because I’m not running toward who I use to be… I’m her each and every day now! I’m comfortable in my own skin (for the most part). I am more emotionally connected. I have a greater understanding of my own wants and needs, and can articulate them to others. Though I still struggle with this idea, I know deep down that I am worthy of happiness and love, and that I am enough.

I’m just as ecstatic as always to be on my way to a reunion. I also know I won’t return deflated this time. I will come back to three beautiful daughters (my Trifecta) who are each unique in her own way, whom I love unconditionally, and of whom I’m so proud. I’ll return to a house that is a happy and cheerful HOME. I’ll report back to a career I find rewarding with colleagues I admire and respect. And, I’ll share these moments, these feelings, the nostalgic stories, and the memories made with a man who not only understands, but who also respects why July 1998 to June 1999…one blip on the map of my 41 years on Earth… and the those people who shared it with me, mean so damn much to me.

Sometimes (always?) the path to becoming your best self is hard and complicated, messy and disruptive, even maniacal. And, radical as it sounds, it requires knowing, wholeheartedly, that the person is and has always been within you. You might have to dig. You might have to take risks. It might be hard. But you can do it. Ignore the expectations and the social pressures. Focus on you and do what might possibly (maybe inevitably) even feel selfish. In short, listen to your heart more often and trust what you know.

You might just be amazed as the person you find.

I am, and I’ve never been happier!

July 29, 2018 (PART II)

Aww, man. When I wrote the above, I didn’t expect there’d be more I’d need to process and get out. Yet, here I go pecking on my keypad. And I cannot quite believe I’m about to quote a fictional teddy bear but…

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” –Winnie the Pooh

I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to say goodbye. I don’t want to wait five years to again see the beautiful humans with whom I just spent the past four days. Carolyn Lee told us this would happen in staging when we traveled 20 years ago… That the time would go too quickly, but that was for our year on the road. She didn’t warn us about the incredible and bucket-filling moments that would continue for the rest of our lives.

I’m feeling the feels differently this time. I think because of all I explained in Part 1 of this blog. I’m not sad to return home… at least not for the fear of losing the true me (as I have felt previously). I’m sad because I’m realizing now more than ever before how much I love each and every member of Cast C98 because of who THEY are… because they let me BE ME… because we love each other for WHO WE ARE INDIVIDUALLY without the need to change another… because we shared something INCREDIBLE… because we’ve GROWN together even while apart, transcending time, space, and change, quite literally… because they comprise some of the HAPPIEST time periods of my life… because they make me BETTER… and for 1000 more reasons.

I am simultaneously exhausted and rejuvenated. I can’t stop the tears—both happy and sad. I’m convinced the person seated beside me on this plane thinks I’m having a mental breakdown. Between the videos of singing, dancing, and shouting that I’ve played, to my less than inconspicuous wiping of tears that just keep rolling… I worry someone might offer me a straight jacket and padded room.

If only they understood.

If only I had the words to explain it.

Now, in all honesty, I’ll gladly trade this Arizona dry heat for my Virginia humidity with cooler temperatures. I am ready to be home—in my own bed, not living out of a suitcase (how did I do that for an entire year?), with my amazing Trifecta nearby to make me laugh and to distract me with the daily mundane tasks and miraculous moments that are part of motherhood.

Even looking forward to all that, I wouldn’t trade one second of the past 96 hours.

Oh, how I wish I could bottle up this feeling. To take everyone home with me. To find the energy that I get when I’m around this particular group of old friends and bring it into my daily life.  To have my children play in a swimming pool with the children of my international friends—where language is a barrier but smiles are not.

I don’t want to say goodbye to these people I love and not know for certain that I’ll see them again. That may be the hardest part. Perhaps it isn’t sadness. Maybe it is fear. Fear that I or someone I love won’t be there the next time… that there won’t be a next time.

Many know that when I struggle with my own words, I most often turn to the words of others—specifically, to music and lyrics that inspire me. Music is another very strong braided tether for this shared experience.

So when I am struggling, I turn to music. And, I think for now, lest they remove me from the plane for a psych eval, I’ll leave you with some Up with People lyrics that apply…

“I saw the world without any borders, Without any fighting without any fear. So Captain give the order, We’re going to cross the next frontier. I know this view won’t last forever, Soon I’ll be back to reality. But isn’t it the way we perceive things, That makes them what they will be?”

Cast C98- you opened my eyes, broadened my horizons, taught me about limitations and breaking them, and make me look at this world, complicated and compelling as it is, in a completely different and beautiful way than I otherwise would have.

“Wherever you may live, whoever you might be, What’s happening to you, is happening to me. How can I turn away, pretend that I don’t see, What’s happening to you, is happening to me…

…And when we cry, we cry together, When we survive, we survive together. And when we rise we rise together, Our destinies are tied together.”

Though we are far away from each other, I see you… all of you Cast C98. I care for and about you, your hometowns, and those you love. I’ll fight for you, your rights, and your happiness just like I’d fight for my own children and myself. May the entirety of the world one day understand that we can be brought together in friendship and understanding (and maybe with a little music).

“There are many roads to go. And, they go by many names. We don’t all go the same way, but we get there just the same. And I have a feeling, that we’ll meet some day. Where the roads come together, up the way… together…”

I know we each have a journey of our own and I feel tremendously blessed that our paths have crossed at least once. I hope for all of us, that they cross again in a way and place that I can hug your necks. My belief structure gives me hope that even if our passing again isn’t in this Earthly world, that we will meet again in the afterlife. ‘Cause I’m pretty sure none of us are getting out of here alive anyway.

“One to one we change the world by giving to another. A helping hand along the way. A simple act of love is what changes are made of, so one to one we change the world.”

Cast C98—you have given me SO much! Your love and friendship have claimed a permanent space in my heart. I will never be able to repay or replace any of you. You absolutely and unequivocally have changed me for the better.

Thank you, Cast C98, for being you, for loving me, and for sharing this remarkable journey. Until we meet again…