Did I Shave My Legs for This?

** EXPLICIT CONTENT… Not for the prudish or faint of heart. **

Online dating.

Yep. Two little words… two little words full of awkwardness, innuendo, and perfectly posed photos meant to initially entice and later disappoint. Now granted, with full disclosure, this online dating thing is still new to me and, suffice it to say, not exactly my cup of tea. In fact, I’m pretty sure the decorum associated with enjoying a cup of tea and the somewhat crass nature of online dating are opposites.

I’ve learned a lot. I mean A LOT. A good number of those things I wish I could forget.

There is a whole language and online dating culture. But does anyone tell you that? Do you get a warning? A tutorial? Nope. I didn’t. Not of the real stuff anyway. It reminds me of when everyone talks about how beautiful childbirth is, but then leaves out that you might poop yourself while pushing, or rip from one orifice to the next, or bleed out during a c-section. Just sayin’. It isn’t all Hallmark picture worthy y’all.

Therefore, as a lover of humanity who wants to leave the world just a little better than she found it, I want to give back. Allow me to share just some of the lessons learned that really, truly, should be readily available to all of us lonely souls looking for a mate in the cesspool of online dating…especially if you’ve been out of the game since Y2K.

Consider this a learner’s permit before you start driving; I’ll offer just a few tips for the road ahead should you be on (or thinking about) this journey. After all, experience is the best teacher… and I’ve had some exceptional lessons. I’m like a walking-talking land-grant… just sharing my knowledge with the people.

First and foremost, allow me to share some commonly used acronyms and terms. After all, per psychiatrist and social/political philosopher Frantz Fanon*…

“To speak a language is to take on a world, a culture.”

(*Quick Note: If you legitimately care about race and social justice issues, you might want to learn more about Frantz Fanon, though I shall not digress herein this satirical work.)

This online dating “code” felt so foreign and elusive to me initially. Perhaps I was just sheltered and naive. I am now a bit more enlightened thanks to my BFF in this endeavor… Urban Dictionary!

But there is no need for you to bounce between the Bumble, Tinder, or Farmers Only apps to look up every instance. Allow me to offer a quick 25-word/acronym “cheat sheet” of the most common vocabulary I experienced (in alpha order because no other order makes sense for these diverse terms).

BBW = “big, beautiful woman” (someone who desires a plus sized female); will also often see BBB for “big, beautiful, blonde” (which is weird since brunette starts with “b” too; hmmm, damn blondes always having more fun)

BDE = “big dick energy” (confident but not cocky; no pun intended)

Breadcrumbing = a flirt or tease not interested in actual connection; dropping the elusive “breadcrumbs” that technically lead nowhere (But remember, nowhere is better than a torture chamber.)

Catfishing = fake online identity (aka: predator; If it seems too good to be true, it probably is trust me on this)

D/D free = “drug/disease free” (I appreciate this one. Not sure that 7 characters and a space are enough to really convince me, but whatever. D/D free or not—use a condom people!)

Demisexual = someone who must have an emotional bond/intimacy for sexual attraction to exist (I imagine these folks have an even worse online dating experience than me.)

DMV = an acronym that stands for “DC, Maryland, Virginia” Living in VA, this one surprised me because I was unfamiliar. (Of course, it is way better than the GWDCMA. Only my Virginia Tech peeps might get that reference; but, trust me, it’s better!)

DTE = “down to Earth” (sometimes is a helpful disclosure that they at least think they are normal)

DTF = “down to f*ck” (No judgement in this one. You do you, boo! Just be safe out there.)

DTR = “defining the relationship” (WOAH, it’s about to get serious. Prepare for the labels.)

ENM = “ethical non-monogamy” (Full disclaimer that you are not going to be the only other person in the relationship); also, “Open Relationship” and “Polyamorous”

FWB = “friends with benefits” (You know them, like them, care about them, and have sex with them… but you are not in a romantic relationship.)

GGG = “good, giving, and game” (Good in bed, willing to give, and game for anything.)

Ghosting = The totally passive, coward-like disappearance of an individual after established online dating dialogue.

GSOH = “good sense of humor” ~OR~ “good salary, own home” (Neither is a bad thing!)

HMU = “hit me up” (Text or call me if you want to chat.)

HWP = “height/weight proportional” (This is how to avoid listing your weight while describing your physique; truth seems optional I’ve found)

LDR = “long distance relationship” (You put in a dating radius, so this one always intrigues me. But mostly it is people saying, “Not interested in LDR.”)

MBA = “married but available” (Yeah, not what I thought either.)

Misanthropic = people who don’t like people, loathe them actually (Why are they on a dating app then?)

NBM = “never been married”

NSA = “no strings attached” (These folks are in the moment, no expectations beyond the right here, right now- whatever that may be.)

ONS = “one-night stand” (aka: a hookup)

Pansexual = individuals open to all sexual orientations and gender identities

Sapiosexual = an individual who finds intelligence sexually attractive or arousing (Yes, please, although maybe a bit elitist to state it outright. Of course, “I don’t do dumb” would be rude too.)

For those living the dream or otherwise under a rock, you may be shocked. But this, THIS is what it’s like out here for over-40 single folks. Glamorous, eh? I mean, technically, this is what it is like for everyone in the online dating world. It’s just maybe a little more shocking for us middle-agers.

While understanding the language code of online dating will be incredibly helpful (albeit the above being a short and tame introduction), there are a few other tips I’ll offer. Take them or leave them, but at least read them. After all, if I can save you a painful and terrible date, I’m fulfilling an important civic duty.

First…

If decent teeth and dental hygiene are important to you, but the person does not smile and show their teeth in any of their pictures– swipe left. Trust me on this one. I had NO idea teeth were so important to me until I started online dating. Yes, you may miss someone amazing… but you’re far more likely to meet someone with jacked-up teeth. (I know how shallow this makes me sound; but, in the name of attraction, I own it.)

Second…

If politics/political affiliation or religion/spirituality are deal breakers for you, put it in your profile and save yourself the hassle. Online dating is not the place for you to implement your salvation work… not if you want a date.

Third…

Agree to coffee, tea, or a cocktail for the first meet up; Do NOT agree to a full meal. (And, from experience, most definitely do not agree to lunch at an outdoor public café on a beautiful day in a busy thoroughfare where you’ll see lots of people you know.) Seriously, if it is going well, you can decide to linger and dine—but don’t commit to a meal before you’ve met face-to-face, unless you’re just hungry.

Fourth…

Even though you have the option to express preferences, for instance (with me) “attracted to men”— it does NOT mean that the men you match with are solely attracted to women. Yes, I learned this through experience. No, I won’t tell you that story here.

Fifth…

Throw out the window any preconceived or old school notions you may have about chivalry and a man paying the bill. It’s a different world out there. Gender equality comes with some compromises. BUT it should at least be 50/50. That said, yes, I have been stuck with the bill… so just be prepared.

My generation, if they’ve raised children, will likely be familiar with Dora the Explorer. And to pseudo-quote a famous Dora phrase, I don’t want to go around shouting…

I do, however, want to share what has been surprising (in some cases, downright shocking) to me in this process. To cite another generational reference (thank you NBC), it really is about…

Have fun out there!

P.S. This is a personalized, satirical look at my own online dating experience. Many of my friends have found great happiness and a life partner through online dating. Cheers to those with the courage to seek love in the most unconventional ways!